Journaling (with insight) Through Hardships

“Being grateful all the time isn’t easy. But it’s when you feel least thankful that you are most in need of what gratitude can give you: perspective. Gratitude can transform any situation. It alters your vibration, moving you from negative energy to positive. It’s the quickest, easiest, most powerful way to effect change in your life—this I know for sure.” - Oprah Winfrey

No one really knows what some people are going through. Even the ones that you think are tough and all smiles. 

Three years ago, I found myself in a new place surrounded with new faces. It was tough.

Settling in a country 7,495 miles away from home and leaving everyone I knew, siblings and family behind is difficult. Even though I countlessly told myself, home is where my family (husband and daughter) is, it was a futile effort of convincing myself. I have to instill it in my heart that my new home is here now with my new relatives-in-law. My mom had just died a year before we left. She left us so suddenly. I didn't even had the time to mourn for her because all my thoughts and energy were in tuned to the important matter that was at hand then - all the preparation of moving to the new country. Every now and then, I still deeply, deeply mourned for her. I also had no friends. From a place where I was surrounded by friends to a place where I felt so completely isolated, I felt like I have no spiritual, emotional and family support system.

I didn't dare reach out to anyone, why?

First, I was afraid to be judged. Even I myself wasn't able to comprehend why I felt that way. I felt so guilty for not enjoying the things I had. I beat up myself for even feeling that way. How could I express what I was feeling without being judged?

Second, I didn't think someone can really understand. 

After few weeks of settling in, both my husband and I were able to land job in IT Industry. We immediately found a daycare for our daughter. Our car loan was approved instantly. We didn't have the drivers license yet, but my in-laws drove our car, transported us where we need to go and did the daycare pickup and drop off. We shared space with them so we didn't go through the stress of looking for a space to rent immediately. So, why? There were even times that I get irritated when someone will say 'count your blessings...' or when someone tried to compare their struggles with mine, as if negating my pain.

And I wonder, where did the old me had gone? I used to be a person with a heart full of gratitude, of positive vibe. My growing up wasn't a walk in the park but I looked at life with a happy disposition.

I resorted to emotional venting thru writing. 

(This was my way of coping up before. I kept a diary both in good times and bad. I wrote with insight, with thankfulness in my heart for the little things I have - and reminded myself not to take things for granted. Even though I was hurting, journaling through those tough times  fueled my hope and renewed my positivity. Writing was my ventilation and my happy place - I dreamed of what would be, I didn't hold on to my past, I looked forward and was thankful for the present. Writing was my communication to God.)

So I thought, writing could help. 

I started writing, irregularly. I tried hard to steer away from negative thoughts. But all I could came up were pointless rants, sometimes just irritating thoughts while staring at a blank page. And I stopped writing especially when I was feeling down.

What happened to me? I can't give myself a straight answer. All I know is that just like our planet is experiencing winter, spring, summer and fall - each one of us will inevitably go thru seasons of life. Winter is tough, spring is coming. Summer and fall are both good times. But it is thru hardships that we grow. As we grow older, will have different experiences and we gain wisdom - our view of life expands.

Today, I am able to piece out the feelings I went through in the process because I have recovered. The winter season was over, I am breaking through my spring. Few years back, I wasn't able to bring myself up and write these few lines of gratitude, but now my heart is full of it and I am ready to share the experience here with the purpose of inspiring others.

I am thankful for my husband, because when writing didn't work, he unknowingly played a sympathetic sounding board for me. I bent his ears. I knew I deflected the negative energy towards him. But even after all those, I have this peace of mind that he didn't judge me.

I am thankful for my little girl - she's too young to understand everything but I drew my strength from her.

I am thankful for my in-laws. For all the help they've extended, putting down our roots, building a new life and navigating this new place had became so much easier.

I am thankful for the few new friends I gained. Few people I can share my compassion, observation and hope.

I am thankful for the huge yet closely knitted family of my husband - thru them I get to experience a whole new level of gatherings and celebration.

Most of all, I am thankful that God had lifted me through it all - victoriously. 

Because of my experience, I realized that comparing people's struggles or hardship is pointless. There is no better person when depression or sadness strikes. You can't say you are better at handling things. Or say someone didn't go through what you went through. There is no winning in pain. Don't judge. Don't negate the feelings of others. One thing that could help - patience to listen. Someone who's down needs someone trustworthy to cry, vent out or talk out frustrations without feeling the shame after - this last piece is very important.

At tough times, it's okay not to be okay. But you have to keep the balance. Because when you tend to focus on your own misery, you also tend to withdraw yourself, you build walls, your perception of things change and your responses could hurt people around you, causing havoc in your relationships in the process. Maintaining healthy relationship while you yourself is not 100% okay is tough. If you can, keep your words to yourself. Step back, process your thoughts and don't believe everything your mind is telling you. If you can't, seek professional help. 

Magnify your blessings - I guess this is the reason why most research nowadays backs up that keeping a gratitude journal at tough times help.  I read somewhere that emotional venting without accompanying insight does not produce change. So when you write, do it with insights and gratitude. It will be good for your mental health. Doing it regularly reduces stress, increases optimism and changes your brain.  

Lastly, hold on to God. This is the one thing I didn't forget doing. I ran to Him, even at times when I have difficulties obeying what He already said, that is to guard my heart, to only think about things that is good, pure or right. I ran to Him with guilt but still asking for His guidance. When I was restless, I was reminded from time to time to be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10) and that everything has its own perfect time - in His time, everything will fall into place.

♥♥♥